I’m honestly not sure what to write tonight and yet I feel compelled to write. I had thought I might talk about dreams – the future-planning kind of dreams as opposed to the dreams of sleep. Laureen and i were talking about dreams today – the dreams that her and I had for our future. They are gone now. I can see only emptiness in front of me. Loneliness, darkness and emptiness. We had hoped to sell our house in order to buy the house that we would grow old together in. Instead, today we talked about me selling this house and buying a smaller one for myself. I lost it then, in a wave of sadness and grief. Laureen is afraid that my sadness is going to turn into a despair that will consume me. Neither one of us wants that but I cannot imagine my life without her. I fear we are not doing well at “living in the moment” and being hopeful and positive. It has been a real struggle to accept what we are going to lose. I think that thus far my only salvation has been my writing. I think if I did not write, then my emotions would consume me. Laureen and I do talk quite openly about everything. She is glad that I have not retreated and withdrawn from her. That is the farthest thing from my mind. I want to hold her forever and so deeply etch the feel of her warm and loving hand in mine that it will be forever burned into my memory – never to be forgotten. For my greatest fear is that one day, this wonderful, beautiful and incredible life that I have lived with her will seem as though some distant, faded dream.

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2 Responses to DREAMS

  1. Janet Miles says:

    It is good that you are talking and writing and sharing. Much better than keeping everything inside and then exploding. Also good that you share your grief with your wife, otherwise it might make it harder on her as well.

  2. nowandzenn says:

    Thank you, Janet, and yes, Laureen is thankful that I am not keeping it all inside of me, as painful as it is to acknowledge what we are facing.

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