Be silent, only the hand of God can remove the burdens of your heart.
It’s been almost a week since I wrote anything on my blog. Still struggling to come to terms with what we are facing. We did return to the hospital last Wednesday so that my wife could have yet another interventional radiological procedure. It was a very, very emotionally draining day. However, there was a hint of positive news in that it appears sufficient healing has occurred which allowed the doctor to take the next step which was a partial withdrawal of some of the hardware, leaving her with a test configuration. If she passes the test, then they will remove this in two weeks and she will finally be free of foreign objects in her body. At least on some level, that will allow her to continue healing from last April’s surgery.
Of course, I stayed with her all day Wednesday (in the hospital) and her emotional condition was such that I ended up staying home from work on Thursday and Friday as well. As I said, we are still struggling to come to terms with all of this. On top of everything else, I am trying to put together some sort of team that will help us through all of this. I feel as though we are flying without a safety net at the moment although she points out to me that while it may feel that way, that is actually not the case. So, as I begin to calm down a bit, I am beginning to look at the people and pieces of all of this as a step towards putting together a team of doctors and care providers who will help us move through all of this with as much gentleness as possible. I have to confess, it has taken me a while to get past the “she’s going to die tomorrow” syndrome, because that’s absolutely what I was feeling. In fact, she eventually brought me back to reality when she complained that everyone was treating her as though she were going to die tomorrow and I realized I was a part of that group.
So now I have a sense of there being some time to figure this all out and so I realize that I’m not as “under the gun” as I was feeling, although we do still have some big issues to work out, primarily as a result of where we physically live, vs. who we actually want to access for services. The groups we want tend to be outside of our geographical area and so we are trying to resolve that rather significant problem. It may involve us moving to an apartment or some other alternative living arrangement in the area in which we want to be although I fear I am throwing up my own psychological barriers to that solution. Obviously none of this is easy.
The Rumi quote above is a good reminder that instead of panicking and running around like a chicken with its head cut off, it might behoove me to be still and listen to the guidance of my inner voice and intuition. And as I calm down, I do feel the faintest outline of a plan beginning to formulate so I am hopeful that I will be able to rise to this most horrendous of occasions and do the right thing for my wife, and for myself.
That’s pretty much all I’ve got for today.