Your breath touched my soul and
I saw beyond all limits.




I see this picture and I see myself and Little Black Eagle. Little Black Eagle is the name that I “gave” to Laureen and she, in her turn, gave me “Rain Bear”. I have spent the last few days going back to my old journals and looking for specific things and in the process have found things I’d forgotten about, or not thought to look for. One such thing (or several, actually), is how I came up with the name of Little Black Eagle for her (and her reaction to it) and how she came up with the name Rain Bear for me. I think maybe that is a sharing for another time. But wow! – what a gift to find those stories, our stories, preserved as though they happened just yesterday. It really brought me back to those early days in the Spring of 2001 when we were just beginning to realize that there might be something between us and I eventually shifted into “courting” mode. We had so many dreams and hopes – many that we did eventually realize, and many that somehow got lost along the way.


Anyhow, when I saw the picture above, it immediately brought me back to something that had happened during that early period in the Spring of 2001 – actually on Tuesday, June 12th to be precise. I had gradually started spending more time with Laureen but we were still very much in the process of getting to know one another. Now among her many gifts, Laureen was a Reiki master. So one day, or actually it was early evening I think, Laureen offered to do some Reiki for me. I can still clearly remember it. We were in her house, in her dining room, and she had asked me if I would like for her to do Reiki on me and I’d said yes. It was only the second time anyone had ever done Reiki on me. So she sat me down on one of her dining room chairs and I was facing towards the front doorway of the house. I closed my eyes and she walked behind me and then I’ll let my words from 2001 describe the rest of it –


Truly though, the vision thing is still lingering for me like an after-image produced by a camera flashbulb, or the sun, after staring at it for too long.  I was re-considering it again this morning.  The reiki was very subtle and I think it was mostly because I had not settled into the right state.  Your offer of working with me energetically actually took me a bit by surprise and so I probably had my “shields” raised for a little while at the outset of the treatment.  However, the moment you touched me that changed because it brought an immediate awareness to me of the weight upon my shoulders.  As I mentioned last night, I often don’t pay much heed to it, because it is always there.  But it is something that my Sensei (karate teacher) noticed very early on, and it was something that he always tried to work with.  Also, I can remember one time my friend mentioned to me that when we were younger and used to engage in wrestling matches, he was always afraid of me because of my broad shoulders.  I can remember how surprised I was when he confessed that to me, many years ago.


At any rate, I was quite conscious of all of the weight resting upon my shoulders as you worked with them and at one point the realization popped into my head that I sometimes feel as though I am carrying the weight of the world upon them.  You later echoed that thought yourself.  The work around my head and ears was much more interesting, or at least, I should say different.  I can only describe it, from a sensory perspective, as pressure work, but it also induced audible responses.  I wasn’t actually quite aware of it at first, and then it suddenly popped into my awareness that you were actually inducing some interesting noises in my head.  The interesting thing about that, and I haven’t really mentioned this to you before, is that one of the afflictions that I have is tinnitus, which is a constant ringing in the ears.  It first came on when I was about 20 or so, and for the first summer it nearly drove me crazy.  I remember reading a few years ago about how William Shatner developed tinnitus and almost committed suicide because of it.  Interestingly, over time the mind creates a kind of internal white noise that blanks out the ringing so that it becomes largely imperceptible.  So, when you were doing your work last night, I noted some interesting things occurring, like you were actually somehow stimulating whatever that little noisemaker is that produces the masking white noise that blocks out the tinnitus.  There seemed to be other aspects to it as well, but at that time I was also slipping into a more meditative state and so I wasn’t completely focused on it.


And that was good timing, the meditative thing, because just as I started to consciously go into it, and send my awareness to my breathing, you started your singing/chanting and smudging and that instantly popped me into my vision….although it wasn’t a popping….it was more like a very smooth but instantaneous transition, like the linear walls of time just fell away and I was suddenly someplace else, but there was no sense of dislocation about it, in fact, I felt quite centered and located into the new/old place.  You were definitely an integral part of that place, and of the whole vision.  Indeed, it was like a missing piece of the puzzle slipping into place, thereby allowing me to perceive a clearer view of the vision.


I could see that we were in someplace….like your house, but not your house.  Maybe a teepee kind of thing, I had that sense of it, although I could not see it, but we were in a place and I was preparing for something, a ceremony at first, I thought, but when I tried to name the ceremony it did not come.  And then I thought it was more like I was being prepared for a hunt maybe, and you were cleansing the scent from me so that the animals would not perceive my human smell.  And there was a deeper aspect to it too, a purification and a preparation.  It all seemed so completely familiar and comfortable and right.  There was, without a doubt, a native context to it.  It was a great gift, that snippet of a vision.  The singing was perfect.  I felt I knew that song…it spoke of home to me, of being where I belonged. In fact, the whole vision left me with a profound sense of “Home”. I felt that we were where we were supposed to be. I felt a deep sense of contentment and “rightness” – that this was how things were supposed to be. Shifting back out of it was almost as smooth as shifting into it, although I did experience a sense of loss and displacement as though to say, “Why are we here, and not there?”


Later on I came to believe that Laureen had opened a door for me to a past life experience, or at least, skeptic that I am, I am open to the possibility of that being one likely explanation. There was just such a feeling of familiarity to the vision, and a feeling that we were “home” that I really have no other explanation for it. And so, the image above, which I discovered on Facebook two days after Laureen passed away, brought me right back to that experience from almost 13 years ago and I can still feel it as though it only happened yesterday.  If only. . .

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6 Responses to PAST LIFE

  1. Walks with Wolves says:

    A truly beautiful memory. Thank you for sharing it. 🙂

  2. Janet Miles says:

    Wait, two days after she passed away? When was that? Did I miss something? I am SO sorry for your loss. This was beautiful. I LOVE the picture.

    • nowandzenn says:

      Yes, sadly, Laureen passed away this past Saturday, March 8th, in the morning. When she was diagnosed with a recurrence of the cancer on Dec 19th, she told me she didn’t have much time left. And she was right. She was comfortable in the end. And my heart is broken.

  3. Janet Miles says:

    Again, I am so sorry! It seems like she held on just long enough to celebrate your one year anniversary. One of your other posts where you were holding her warm feet in your hands made me think the end was near but I was hoping for you that there would be more time. I am glad she was comfortable and you can have peace in the knowledge that you did all you could for her and that she is not suffering now.

  4. nowandzenn says:

    Thank you, Janet. I really appreciate that.

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