When you get a chance, tell me about the dream w/ Laureen… it really is a step forward.
I might almost have to write an email on that – not because of the dream so much, which was short-ish – but there’s a lot of different “pieces” all swirling around and they seem sort of separate but I think I’m understanding that it’s all part of something bigger… I think Laureen may have a hand in all of this, or I’m just doing a really good job of being where I’m supposed to be, or perhaps a little of both – but it’s like all the disparate pieces that at first glance don’t seem connected, really are connected.
So I’ve really had two or three dreams of Laureen now. As I mentioned, the latest one was only a few days ago. It must have been towards the morning because I think it was right around my normal wake-up time. In the dream, I was facing forward but I could clearly see Laureen behind me. It was as though I was looking at a reflection of her, but there was no reflecting surface (i.e. mirror) in front of me, but I could see her clearly. She was silent. It seemed as though she was aware that I was there, but she wasn’t focused on me. She was very thin – I noticed that immediately – with, I think, darker hair (her normal hair color). She was standing and doing this long, slow stretch that kind of arched her back a bit. It was almost like a yogic posture / stretch. I noticed how limber she was. And the thought came to me (in my dream) that “I can’t believe she’s going to be gone soon”. She looked so healthy but I knew she was sick. And just as I had that thought, I slipped into awareness / being awake and had the conscious thought of, “oh, she’s gone already”. It was like, one thought slid right into another in a very smooth transition, and the transition from asleep to awake was just as smooth. I cried for a bit, and then got up to begin my day.
In the first dream, I was aware that she was in it, but we didn’t really communicate – I don’t think. That memory is pretty much gone now whereas the one I just described has more substance to it. It was the 2nd dream of her where she actually spoke, but it was kind of to me, and kind of not. She was worried about the animals – that somebody was abusing them. Something like that. It seemed like a general statement – like it wasn’t really directed, or I couldn’t quite tell what point she was trying to make.
So those have been my three dreams – the last one being the most memorable, especially when I was watching her stretch – she seemed so clearly there – and then the thought that followed – “I can’t believe she’s going to be gone soon”. Very clear.
As to the rest of the stuff. I don’t know – it just feels, on a vague level, like I’m dancing all around something and I’m not sure what it is. Mostly, I feel like I’m doing the right things, and then if I explore something and it isn’t right, I get blocked from it. Like that “Hobbit” house I looked at a few weeks ago. I was really excited about it, but it seems to have been blocked for me. And there’s this particular woman that I was drawn to for studying Reiki. It wasn’t too long after Laureen passed away that I quickly had three or four thoughts – find a massage therapist, do meditation, sign up for a drawing class, and study Reiki. Now I admit that all of this, well, at least the drawing and the Reiki, are in Laureen’s wheel house – meaning these are things that she did and that were important to her and I never really considered studying Reiki before because I just felt like I would be almost trespassing onto her turf and I didn’t want to do that. One little thought that I have is “am I drawn to some of these things like Reiki and drawing simply because they were some of the things I really admired/loved in Laureen?” I don’t know.
And it’s not like I’m trying to become some big healer dude. That’s a tricky road and one that’s prone to the Ego taking over so I am always doing an ego-check to make sure I have myself in balance in that regards.
And yet, at least with the massage and with the meditation, I feel as though that is exactly what I need right now. I just happened to “stumble upon” my massage therapist while looking for a desk chair in an antique shop. The antique shop is in this renovated mill building that I just absolutely love and I always take a few minutes to read the business directory to make sure there are a few empty spaces in the building because I just want to be in that building – doing what?, I don’t know.
Anyhow, the day I was buying my chair (I found the perfect chair, plus a cool, old typewriter), I was reading the business directory listing and saw a massage therapist listing – Now and Zen Massage. And it instantly “pinged” because my blog is named Now and Zen. I eventually contacted her, made an appointment, and she has been just super great! Her background is as a nurse – full-time, currently working in the maternity ward at a nearby hospital. And, she has also studied some Reiki. So, more recently, she has begun doing some energy work on me while she is giving me a massage. And coupled with the meditation work I am doing, even skeptical me can feel some major stuff shifting. A few weeks ago, after leaving her studio, I was driving down the highway, feeling really good, and the thought came to me that my heart was smiling – I think she did a little heart chakra work that day.
But that’s the cool thing too – because I found a second meditation teacher so I am currently practicing meditation with two different people, in small groups, and they don’t just do the same meditation each time – they do different types of meditations, focusing on different things. Like last week, teacher 1 did a whole meditation on grounding and then I went to my massage therapist the next morning and when we were done she commented on all of the “energy” she felt around my feet. Clinically she said it was though my feet were pulsing. Now I’m not gonna say I really “felt” anything in that sense, but I was imagining the grounding work that we’d done the night before in meditation and seeing my feet being connected to everything just like a tree being rooted to the earth. The massage person said she actually could feel a pulse in my feet and, putting her nurse’s hat on, she said people don’t have a pulse in their feet.
Other meditation classes have included chakra work, sound healing work, and last Saturday we did a meditation focused on the 2nd chakra and creativity – just as I start to line up for the drawing class in three weeks.
And then there are my upcoming trips too. I was working on those for weeks. I was finding all sorts of possibilities but it just felt like a lot of them were being blocked from me – like the timing wasn’t right, or they didn’t “feel” right. I was starting to get frustrated and then I just googled, “writer’s retreat New Mexico” and found the place that I will be going to in August. However, I was still waffling on one particular trip until last Friday, when I put it under the light of cross-examination – i.e., I asked myself what was really preventing me from committing to that particular trip and the answer was Fear. That was it – just fear. So I asked myself, putting fear aside for a moment, do you want to do this trip? And the answer was yes, so I purchased the airline ticket and will be going out to Portland, Oregon in July for five days (via a non-stop flight in both directions) to visit some people that I have known for almost twenty years now. The segue to that is that when I first came online via AOL, back in 1994, one of the first things I did was either join, or start, a small discussion group based on the works of Tolkien. Somehow I eventually discovered another group of Tolkien fans that had already come together and I left my first group and joined them and we have been a “group” ever since. Next year they are holding a 20 year celebration event (we call them Mootstocks) out in Oregon. There have been many such Mootstocks in the past and I have never attended one, nor have I ever met a single person from this group of people. But we have been a group for 20 years now and it just felt like it was time to go out there and meet these people for real and they are all very, very excited that I am coming out to see them.
So, all of this stuff is going on and happening and in a way, it seems to be different, unrelated pieces, but I have this kind of intuitive sense (for lack of a better word at the moment) that somehow it is all connected and leading to something else. Remember how I was talking about how I see all the lines of connections and interconnections that lead to “events” – that’s what this feels like. But instead of trying to look “down the road” to see what’s coming, I’m just focusing on doing what feels right in the moment. . . trying to navigate the journey itself, instead of looking for the destination.
There’s also the element of “Yes Man” going on here too, I think. Have you ever seen that movie – Yes Man? Jim Carey is the lead in it. He’s mourning the loss of a relationship until he goes to this motivational meeting where the theme is that instead of saying “No” to everything, you say “Yes”. Well, I’m not using that as a total blueprint, per se, but while my grief and sadness would have me saying no to everything, I am trying to selectively override that and say “Yes” to the things that I know will somehow help me heal.
Okay – I guess that’s enough info for the moment. I think I needed to dump this out anyhow and you can take what you will from it.