LETTING GO

Zen 02

 

It was kind of a difficult day today. I think in some ways it was triggered with the house work that I did yesterday as I, “tended my garden”. That was one of the messages that I got during my appointment with the Medium, Patrick Mathews, last week, and again this past Saturday morning during Angela’s weekly meditation. Tend to your garden. At one point during the meditation I silently protested that Laureen had been my garden, but I was gently rebuked. I am the garden – I am the one that needs my attention.

 

I was just silently thinking to myself how I like pink flamingos, because of the photo above.  Well, here’s one thought on that, compliments of Google –

 

If Flamingo has waded across your path:

He is reminding you to get in touch with your emotions. Allow yourself to feel so that you can process your emotions and grow from what you feel. If you are bottling things up you will find yourself reacting rather than acting appropriately. Allow yourself to release your feelings so that you can come into balance again.

 

So yesterday I started to “tend to my garden” which, in this instance meant taking care of the house. The house is still most definitely under a state of transformation. I will say that I think, at least for the moment, that I have all of the furniture that I need. I am still hesitant to hang anything on the walls in case I should still decide to move but I am feeling less inclined to entertain the notion of moving since my return from Santa Fe. Barring a life-changing move, like moving out to Santa Fe, I really don’t see the sense in moving since I really can’t find anything I like, architecturally, in this area and I just really don’t think I physically or emotionally have the energy to move myself and a household full of belongings.

 

I can say that I summoned up enough resolve yesterday to select a few random pieces of Laureen’s clothing to donate – some nice, brand new sweaters, 4 pairs of leather gloves, a winter coat. It’s not easy. In every piece of clothing, I discover a memory of Laureen. But the reality is that the clothing is only the tip of the iceberg. It’s funny, the attachments we develop for things. It’s a very visceral, emotional attachment. For example, I have not been able to get rid of a single pair of her shoes yet – and she’s got a lot of shoes. Many of them I bought for her as gifts, or as “just because”. . .  As in, just because I love you so much, I’m going to buy you anything you want.  Yeah… it’s really hard to let go of that stuff.

 

Tonight when I came home I started in on my “Tend My Garden To Do List” and the first thing on it was to shim some furniture. When you live in a house where parts of it were built in 1852, the reality is that the floors are not perfectly flat and so you have to shim some furniture here and there. So I went into my basement to see if I had any shim material like thin pieces of wood. For some reason that I can’t even recall now, I opened one of the many boxes in which Laureen put away items from her art studio because we were preparing to look for another house and move and she wanted to be ready to go. We’ve had our house boxed up for about three years now (and maybe longer – I can’t even remember anymore). The first thing I saw inside the randomly selected box was a little baggie of what looked like refrigerator magnets and indeed, that’s what they were. So I was fishing around in the baggie and just like a tarot card, there was one that I just felt like – that was the one I needed to see – so I pulled it out of the bag to look at it. It had a verse on it –

 

I believe in mystery

and miracles

and the magic of a new day.

I believe in angels

and natural wonders

and the beauty inside people.

I believe in rainbows

and happy endings

and dreams-come-true.

I believe in a bright

and shining tomorrow

ahead for you.

 

 

Well, as you might imagine – that did it. I lost it. I felt like Laureen had directed me right to that box so that she could give me that magnet and tell me exactly what she was thinking.  And this is exactly what I would expect her to say – word-for-word. I just sat down in a chair in the basement and cried. I miss her so much.

 

For a while after that, I forgot what I had even gone into the basement for. And then I remembered the shims. I went back upstairs, with the magnet now, and checked a drawer in the living room because I thought we had some of those felt furniture pads that you stick on the bottoms of chair legs. Well, I didn’t find those but I found a mystery package wrapped in tissue paper and when I unwrapped it I discovered one of two pocket books (a clutch actually) that Laureen had artistically repurposed into this wonderful creation. I couldn’t believe she had tucked it away in that particular drawer. I had no idea if she had even kept the purse because at one point I think she had loaned it out to a friend who had brought it to a wedding.

 

Well, I guess this was the night for Laureen to send me on a little scavenger hunt. And apparently there was one more thing she wanted me to find – and find it I did, so I guess there were three things I was meant to find tonight. The third thing was an unopened birthday card from her mother. It was something she had received after the last time they had talked (and unknowingly, it would be the last time they were to ever talk again) and at the time she had not wanted to open the card so she had put it away somewhere and we had never seen it again – until I found it tonight.

 

I will say that as I’ve been practicing my Reiki every night since my class (I have to administer self-healing Reiki for 21 consecutive nights prior to returning to be awarded my Reiki 1 certificate) I feel as though I am opening up more. I feel like Laureen has been communicating with me, in a way I can acknowledge for the past week now, and it has been more discernible over the last few days in particular. Indeed, I am going to go off to do my Reiki pretty soon as I feel pretty tired tonight. Having the emotional breakdown earlier tonight didn’t help either in terms of just feeling very lethargic and sad. As I said, it has been a difficult day.

 

I shared a thought on how yesterday went with someone whom I know that has gone through a similarly difficult loss in losing her mother. I was responding to a question she had asked and drifted a bit in my reply –

 

I’m keeping several different journals at the moment for different projects that I have going on and kind of re-creating my house at the moment. My studio feels much better today after working on a rearrangement yesterday. It’s not done yet, as I am still kind of slowly re-configuring my house in the absence of my wife. It’s hard to let go of things – like even keeping the house the same as it was when she was here. Every once in a while I get that stray thought that she could walk in the room at any moment and it stays my hand from making too drastic a change. Like I’d want her to feel like this is still “our” place and that she would recognize it and feel comfortable. I just do it in baby steps for now.

 

Well, if I’m going to do my Reiki meditation, I better do it now before I get too tired. I will say, having to do the Reiki every night has finally started me doing a nightly meditation and that is a good thing.

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