You and I will be together till the universe dissolves.





Like a true squirrel, I was dodging this way and that, trying to figure out what I “should” do this morning. Should I get my walk in early? Should I go down to Barnes & Noble in Bellingham and do my morning pages down there? Should I go grocery shopping? Should I stay here and do my morning pages? The variations were endless, or seemingly so.


Then I was standing at the window in my kitchen, running through the various permutations one more time and I finally stopped and simply asked myself, “What do YOU ‘want’ to do?”  And so here I am, sitting at my computer, writing what will be my last entry in my 16th journal, which I had titled “Transitions”. I think the piece that I wrote yesterday really caught the breadth and depth of last year in as concise a manner as was possible. I feel like to go back through that yet again starts to become something that I don’t want it to become. And so, is it possible then that I am in fact getting myself ready to move on with my life?


I think the answer to that would be, “Yes, I am preparing to move forward and to begin Creating my life anew.” I don’t have a crystal clear vision of where I am going, but I have a sense that it is going to be an adventure. And it is going to be an adventure that I Create. And there are so many choices out there. This morning was a brief glimpse of how I can get indecisive when faced with choices. The key to the resolution of my dilemma was simply to ask myself, “What do I want to do?” The corollary to that being – “What feels good to me? What scenario presents the opportunity for bringing more joy into my life?”


Having posed the question to myself this morning I realized the thing that I needed to do today was to sit down, right now in this very moment, and write this last entry for the year and for this particular journal.  And right now I am having a very heavy déjà vu feeling about this moment that actually includes my Artist’s Way group – like I have seen / lived this moment before. How strange!


This feels right to me. I have the right music on. I am not distracted by people around me. I have my wonderful cup of coffee beside me, filling a beautiful hand-made coffee mug that I bought in support of a small shop that provided me with so much healing this year.


Indeed – that last comment triggers a thought that I have so much Gratitude in my heart for all of the people – family, friends, strangers-that-became friends – who helped me get through the deepest and darkest moments of my grief and sorrow this past year. I would not have been able to get through this year if it hadn’t have been for all the people who were so kind, caring, loving, willing to listen, shared a hug, shared tears.  In all of that I have been truly, truly blessed! Laureen made sure that there were always people around me to pick me up when I fell down.


I am also grateful for the abundance that is in my life right now. It has enabled me to truly feed my spirit and my soul while at the same time creating bridges to meeting new people and creating new friendships.


And so now I stand at the threshold. Yes, today is just another day and so, too, tomorrow is just another day. But it is as good a day as any to acknowledge that it is time to move forward and to begin to let the past go. That is not to say that I will stop grieving, or that I will close down that part of me that needs to feel sad for a day or two, or shed tears. Indeed, even in writing this I have had to stop a couple of times in order to let the tears flow. But Laureen and I talked a lot about this. As I would have wanted for her, she also wanted for me to live my life and to live a life of joy and contentment and to find love again. This last, I argued against but we both knew that it could happen. Indeed, this was one of the things she brought up when I talked with her through the medium, Patrick Mathews. She was reminding me not to give up hope, and letting me know that it was ok.


The medium thing was such a big thing for me this year. I spoke with Patrick Mathews on September 6th, just a week or so after returning from two weeks out in Santa Fe. From the very beginning of the session until the end, I knew it was Laureen. I confess that a lot of the time I have my doubts about what happens after we die. Which is so funny in itself because Laureen was so all over that kind of stuff. Like, man, I lived with a true modern-day shaman / Wise Woman / Medicine Woman. She was all those things and more. And yet, once gone, I started to wonder if it had all been real – until she came through with Patrick Mathews. She was on instantly, and continued non-stop until the end and I cried for the entire 30 minutes because I could tell that it was her and she was saying exactly what I knew she’d say and she was telling me that she finally had all of those things that I’d wished for her in life. Health – Freedom – Complete Unconditional Love. And she was just Happy. Very Happy. And that was all I ever wished for her.


I believe that I was at least able to give her the unconditional love piece while we were together, and we were mostly quite happy together. I think all of her “stuff” kept her from completely trusting in the unconditional love, until the last year or so. And then she finally knew and understood that this was what I had given her. And it wasn’t really her “stuff” that created the mistrust, but all of the stuff that other people had put into her, and which she had allowed in. She worked so hard to get rid of it all, but being such a sensitive soul, it really became her life’s work.


I know that she will always walk with me and keep an eye on me. I also know that she has other things to do now as well, and so do I. Of course, she is a part of me now and she taught me so many lessons throughout our time together – lessons about being authentic to yourself, and how to be in right relationship with others, and about how important every living creature is (except maybe ticks and mosquitoes – although I think through Patrick she acknowledged that even they have a purpose).


I am left with a final thought on Laureen’s own words, which she wrote as her artist’s statement but which I see as being her life’s purpose –


“As far back as I can recall, my spiritual self has always been one solid and constant part of my being.  My definition of my self is never separate from my spiritual side, or self, but simply a woven part that makes my self.

I carry my inner guidance to rightful action each day.  Mindful and responsible of how I move about the world.  I have always expressed my thoughts and sensitivities to all those I converse with, deepening the surface conversations.

My quest has been how do I show others that spirituality resides in all and all that there is?


One way to answer my inner question is to bring awareness to others through my art work.  Using various styles and subjects, my paintings help connect people to their basic self.  Through the use of color and contents the viewer is left to their own experience and inner feelings.  This ‘resting period’ helps to reconnect the fundamental self to the spiritual self.  The beauty in the world is one of the greatest spiritual gifts for all of us to share in.”


Laureen was a true artist. She was a Creator and she knew that about herself. We are all creators but most of us have closed that aspect of ourselves off. But the fact is, we are all about the business of creating our own lives. Every choice we make, every path we take – is an act of Creation. Laureen understood this about her life. And her message to me, and to all of us, is that we are all creators, we are all artists.  There is no separation of Self from Intention, or Rightful Action or Creation. We are all artists and the canvas upon which we paint is our own life and the path that it follows. She was truly a wise woman.


“Magic exists.

Who can doubt it when

there are rainbows and wildflowers,

the music of the wind

and the silence of the stars?

Anyone who has loved

has been touched by magic.

It is such a simple

 and such an extraordinary

part of the lives we live.”

Nora Roberts




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4 Responses to LETTING GO

  1. patchesmany says:

    What a beautiful entry John. Your growth and strength this year has been both a joy and a sorrow to watch.

  2. Walks with Wolves says:

    Aho! Such resonating words.

  3. nowandzenn says:

    Again, thank you, Walks! Aho is a sacred word of acknowledgement to me and for that, I am deeply thankful and humbled by your acknowledgement.

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