“A thousand times we die in one life. We crumble, break and tear apart until the layers of illusion are burned away and all that is left, is the truth of who and what we really are.”


Teal Scott

Image 05-06-15

I am sitting here silently, waiting to see what the message is for today. . . I’m not quite seeing it yet, but a couple of things are starting to come through. I saw my therapist today. The first thing he asked me about when I came in was how it felt without my wedding ring. He wanted to understand what my thought process was for removing my wedding band. I can say that it wasn’t easy. I waited until my birthday, so nearly thirteen months after Laureen passed away. It was kind of funny that he asked me because in a way it was his doing as much as anyone’s that prompted me to actually remove my ring.

It had been a thought in the back of my mind that I would grieve for a year and not make any decisions or do anything. And then after one year I would begin to try to move forward in life again.  And so on some level, that was the impetus for removing my ring. Initially I simply moved my ring from my left hand ring finger to my right hand ring finger. But within a week or two, I had removed it completely. I can still see the indent where my ring was. I miss wearing it. More importantly, I deeply miss Laureen.

Honestly. I am beginning to understand that I am never going to let her go. How could I? She was “The One”. There is just no way around that. No one else is ever going to be to me what she was. She was my heart and my soul. She was the Yin to my Yang. We complemented each other so well and the beauty of it was that we knew it. We were so in sync with each other, especially on the spiritual level which was so important to both of us. I remember that time she did Reiki on me and I swear I slipped into another one of my lives and I was with her and she was preparing me for the hunt and I just knew we were where we belonged. We were home. Every fiber of my being told me that this was Home – that this was where we belonged and we were together. I will always carry that memory with me.

Lately memories of her have been coming to me. They come bundled with deep inexpressible feelings of sadness and loss. I am feeling a bit numb now. I’m going through the motions but in the absence of the deep grief that had been my companion this past year, I just feel nothing. And once again I have lost a very important support group – my Artist’s Way group. I think I was in denial on the night that we concluded our seven months of weekly meetings. I did not want to acknowledge that I would not be seeing these people again. At least, not in the way we had been accustomed to seeing each other. They had all come, more or less prepared to say goodbye. It was beautiful. Their words, their music, all that they shared with each of us was absolutely beautiful. I shut down. I think I am still shut down. Oh, I go through the motions alright. I get up in the morning. I go to work. I converse. I even laugh. But honestly, it all seems empty.

Man, why the fuck did she have to die?

She was my whole world. Even now, I am sitting a scant twenty feet from where she died. I always wondered if that would feel morbid. To, like, live in a house where someone died. Well, I do. And it is not just someone, or anyone, that died in this house. It was my be all and my end all. She gave me purpose and structure and love and companionship. And now I’m just floating. No real purpose. No structure. Just floating. . .

Yes, just in her death alone, I have died a thousand deaths. A thousand deaths every day. It is all just burned away and all I am left with are memories that feel like elusive shadows of a life I once had, or imagined, and I sometimes wonder where it all went. How could it have gone by so fast? It all just seems like some sort of crazy dream now. Or maybe it’s this life that is the crazy, fucked up dream. Now suddenly I am alone, in this house by myself. And I imagine that once upon a time the love of my life lived here with me. That we co-created this quietly amazing and magical life. And that we were complete within each other.

I wish that this nightmare would end and that I could wake up and find Laureen lying next to me, and the morning light would be streaming through our bedroom windows and I could take her hand in mine and tell her about this awful, terrible dream that I had that she died and I had to find a way to go on by myself without her. And then she would take my hand and reassure me that she isn’t going anywhere for a long time and we would get up and have our day and it would be a good and quiet day.

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3 Responses to SHADOWS

  1. George says:

    It strikes me how completely honest you’re writing is. I’ve read most of your now and Zen writings this one struck particularly close to home for me. I wish there was someway I could help you with your journey. Try to remember you have friends and you’re not alone. As always George

  2. Ellen says:

    As I read this this morning over my coffee, I could literally feel your pain, physically and emotionally. I will never get over watching Mom die a little bit every day, and then to take her last breath. I cannot image the love of my life leaving me in the same way. I read this, then I walked out my back door into the morning sun and looked up at the sky and said, ” I know John. I feel flat, going through the motions. I look for Mom in every cloud, in the darkness every night and I do not see her.. I understand”. Right then a male cardinal appeared on the deck railing right next to me, looking at me. Seeing a red cardinal last spring was the first time I felt Mom’s presence. I have not seen one for quite a while. What impeccable timing he had. I looked at him, and smiled and said “Thank you, Mom”.
    Even when we feel so lost, so alone and so sad, we MUST keep a shred of hope that one day we will be together again. As I’m sure you’ve heard, ” we are Spiritual beings having a human experience”, and I agree that along with all the beauty along the way, the pain of loss sucks.

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