Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
Mary Elizabeth Frye.
I was driving home from dinner last night and a stray thought came into my head about how different this Memorial Day weekend would have been for me if Laureen were still here with me. That was it. Cue the tears . . . So I’m driving, and crying (hey, wasn’t that the name of a “one hit wonder” band?) Why, indeed it was! And their one hit – Fly Me Courageous.
An interesting synchronicity – the only way to survive this loss is to fly courageous . . . which is not to say that I am being courageous in all of this. I am simply trying to move forward. To keep moving forward. Just keep moving. . . So is that Laureen’s instant message to me – fly courageously?
I just came back from an hour and a half massage. I had booked it about the middle of last week. I was looking for a Friday appointment and decided to check other days and found that she was actually taking appointments for today so I booked one. I did find it rather odd that she was taking massage appointments on a holiday but I figured I’d just go with it. I never received a confirming email so I really didn’t even know if she was going to be there this morning. I figured if she wasn’t, I would just move on to my second destination – a coffee shop for a serious bout of writing time.
So I got up this morning, showered, puttered around for a bit, and off I went. Got there about fifteen minutes early and decided to just go up and see if she was actually in or not. And there she was. I told her I was surprised that she was actually open today and she said it was kind of an odd thing. She hadn’t planned on opening and then she decided to open and I had booked almost immediately (so our timing was aligned) and then she decided not to take any other appointments – so basically I was her only appointment for today. I told her that was Laureen – taking care of me.
And the interesting thing, as we talked, was that we were both struggling with “what might have been. . .” Her two children are with her former husband today, going to the cemetery, and she was telling me how she was thinking about how they used to do that all together as a family and now she was the one left out. I told her that as she was massaging me I was looking at the movie reel of my life, all the twists and turns and ups and downs – and I was wondering if, had I known how my life was going to go (so far), I would have been willing to get on the roller coaster ride that life is. She understood exactly what I meant. Her reply was that it’s a good thing we don’t know how our lives are going to go. You just get on, hang on and go for the ride.
I do know that she is always around me – guiding me, watching, cheer-leading, and probably frowning a little too, every now and then. Her favorite way to get messages through to me seems to be music and that would make sense on two levels. One, I am always listening to music and so that would be a good way to catch my attention. And two, we both enjoyed music deeply, and the same kinds of music. Plus most music is transmitted electrically and I think it is easier for her to manipulate electricity because it is a form of energy. I think the solid matter stuff is much harder for her to manipulate. Occasionally the lights in my dining room flicker. I think it takes a lot of energy for her to do that.
Speaking of energy, I will be taking another step in my education on that front when I do my Reiki 2 class next weekend. I’m looking forward to it. I think it will move me more in the direction of developing a stronger connection with the unseen world that is all around us. As Shakespeare once said, ”There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” And, as Shakespeare observed, I had long ago come to that same conclusion – that there is so much that we don’t know about our world, and so now I get to test the hypothesis that there really are things going on behind the scenes of our reality. Of course, living with Laureen for 13 years gave me all of the information that I needed in order to accept that there really are things going on around us constantly of which most of us are completely unaware, myself most definitely included.
I think that one of the keys to getting a peek behind the scenes is in learning to quiet the mind and detach from the ego so that you can begin to tune into all of the stuff that is going on. And like most things, it takes practice. But it is, at the same time, exactly that – a practice. And the more you practice, the more you “exercise” those muscles and the more open you become. And it is not just quiet, but also awareness. And the best way to increase awareness is by decreasing distractions and one of the biggest distractions of all is that ceaseless voice inside your head – the voice of Ego. So learning to quiet that voice, and all of the accompanying thoughts that it generates, seems to lead to heightened awareness and facilitates the ability to perceive things that otherwise remain imperceptible.
The one other thing that I think also helps is learning to relax. I don’t think you can force it to happen. I think you have to simply relax and just let it happen. So the massage was good on that front today too because I guess I was wound up pretty tightly and she had to really work my shoulders to get me to let go of all the tension that I carry. It was money well-spent, on many levels. I think, too, that it was my little Memorial Day weekend gift from Laureen. She must have known that this was going to be a more difficult weekend than I had expected.
I am, as always, in deep gratitude for each moment . . .