“I didn’t fall in love with you. I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way. I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we’d choose anyway. And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.”
Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars
I will find you again, my love. Whether it is on this side, or that side, or the other side, inside or out. We will be together again. I used to sing to myself all the time about us – “I am the sun, you are the moon, I am the words, you are the tune. . . “ You truly were a child of the Moon – my precious Moon Child. How often at night would I wake up and see the light of the moon streaming across our bed, across your face, embracing you with her tender touch. And I, child of the Sun. We were well met indeed. The Yin to my Yang. Two halves that together, made us whole.
You brought to me a most interesting dream this morning. Very deep, very vibrant, and so real. I’d awoken earlier, and thought about getting up but realized that I needed more rest before I was ready to face the day. Back to sleep I went. I am so glad that I did. I had a dream that was kind of about work – or I should say that work was the background in which the dream unfolded. I sensed that some of my work peers were around me and I was about the business of completing some task. We were off-site, as it were, and for some reason I had to get back to the school. So I had started to walk along a sidewalk. And then I started to feel rushed, like I needed to get to where I was going faster, and I saw a bicycle laying on the side of a hill by the sidewalk. It was a small bike, banana-seat style – a child’s bike. Without thought, and on impulse, I picked up the bike, got on it, and started pedaling down towards a main thoroughfare.
Once I arrived at the roadway, which was, in truth, only a short ride away and would have been as easily accomplished if I had simply continued to walk. I put the bicycle down and got ready to cross the somewhat busy road so that I could continue on my way back to the school for whatever vague purpose it was that was driving me with quiet urgency.
And just as I was about to cross the street, I felt a presence and I turned around and looked behind me and I saw a young child, a girl, of about seven years old, standing there looking at me. Almost immediately, I realized that it was her bicycle that I had taken (I’d say “borrowed” but the reality was that I had simply taken it). I immediately felt regret and shame surface up within me and I was just about to apologize to the girl, who had the beginnings of tears starting to form, when more people arrived. Some were children, and some were adults. Their posture was more threatening and accusatory. I was caught and there was nothing to do but face the truth.
In that one moment as we all looked at each, the air was charged with so much emotion – it is hard to describe it all. I looked at the person I deemed to be the “in-charge” person, and with all the emotion in my heart, I expressed my deepest regret for my actions. I had no excuse. All I could say was that it was an action of complete impulse. Indeed, I couldn’t even explain why I had done it because I realized in that moment that taking the bicycle had not given me any more time to get to where I had needed to go. I had been as able to travel that distance by walking as I had by riding the bicycle. Which, by the way, I had noted during my brief experience of riding it, was not in the best of shape, with one tire rubbing against something. Indeed, the bike really needed to be replaced.
I do not know exactly what it was that I did or said, but all of the energy that had been building up into an almost lynch-mob kind of energy suddenly dispersed. Perhaps it was the look in my eyes – simply an open door to the feelings I was experiencing inside, of such deep regret and remorse. The woman’s tone soften. Suddenly, but not, I noticed that there was a large group of children of all colors and races, sitting on a hill looking down on me. Some were crying. Some looked almost hopeful in a way that I did not quite understand. There was a sadness about it, but a joyful kind of sadness, along with an air of expectation and, almost, hope.
Knowing that the girl’s bike was not in the best of condition, I think I offered that I would like to buy her a new bike. It was the least I could do and it wasn’t offered as an act of contrition, but rather, as a gesture of sharing abundance. And then I felt that if I could, I would buy each of the children who had gathered, bicycles, because I felt their need – although perhaps not for bicycles, but for recognition, and acknowledgement. I felt the need to share abundance.
The woman smiled at me, and then she caught me by surprise. It was said gently, and it flowed with the moment, so it wasn’t an abrupt statement, but she asked me, again with hope in her eyes, “if in addition to the bicycle, I would also be her father.” And I looked at the child and I knew that if I could, I would have a daughter such as her. So beautiful, so full of promise and potential. And I looked at the woman, wondering if she was the mother of the young girl… And I thought, “Perhaps…”
And I also realized in that moment that all of this had been orchestrated by Laureen. That my impulsive act of picking up the bicycle to hasten my own purpose, really had no logic to it. It was such an impulsive act, and a part of me had seen this even as I was doing it – questioning what it was I thought I was going to accomplish. And I realized that Laureen had nudged me into it so that everything else subsequent could transpire as it had.
I woke up with all of that – so clear and present – in my mind. The bright green-ness of the grass, the look of hope on the woman’s face, the realization that sometimes our actions have a much larger purpose…
What a powerful way to start the day. I think this is one of those dreams that will continue to linger with me for a while. Is it possible, that in those moments in which I was within the dream, I’d been touched by an angel?