GRATITUDE

Remembering your scent,
wherever I saw a flower
I smelled it and tears began to pour
wherever I saw a cypress in the meadow,
I kissed its feet in memory of you.

~

Rumi

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Laureen speaks to me. She finds all sorts of ways to speak to me. Maybe I’m a little crazy. . . ?  My therapist gave me that look when I was telling him about my most recent experience with a medium. At first he was kind of open, but as I went a little deeper into it I could see his attitude shift a bit, so I let it go. It doesn’t really matter what he believes in this instance. It only matters that I know it is her, and that she is around me, and that she still exists even if I cannot see her, and cannot touch her.

 

This year will mark my second Thanksgiving without her. I could say the pain feels somehow less. And then, not. The absence is noted. Her recipes for our Thanksgiving dinner are strewn about my kitchen table at the moment and it all seems too overwhelming. At best, perhaps I can try to make her zucchini bread. It was one of her hallmark desserts. Beyond that, I shall just try to make it through this holiday as best I can.

 

When I spoke with Laureen last week, via medium Patrick Mathews, it was a different kind of conversation and a different energy than the last time (and first time) that we spoke in early September 2014. It took me aback for a bit – feeling that things had changed. I was admittedly even a little disappointed at first. I was left feeling that I wanted more. But more of what? More of her. More time together with her. More of our life together. Alas, those are things that are not destined to be in this lifetime. Perhaps, in the next one. . .

 

She laughed a lot. She poked gentle, loving fun at me. She was joyful. She has adjusted to her new reality. I cannot imagine how the passage of time feels to her. It has been 14 months since our last session. Did that seem like years to her, or just a second, or even the blink of an eye? Speaking of appendages (if an eye can be said to be an appendage), she reminded me that she still has form. As she put it, “I have two arms and I have two legs”. I think this was her way of reminding me that she wants me to talk to her, to think of her as still being with me, even when I can’t see her, touch her, smell her. . . She told me that she likes riding in my car with me. Indeed, she told me that she wants me to get a new car.  Her exact words were, “Never fear death. . .  live life . . .  buy the car.” I guess she wants to drive around in style, although upon reflection afterwards I realized that I actually rather like my car at the moment so we shall see about the new car thing.

 

The two messages she really wanted to get through to me this time was about the importance of listening to my intuition (and how good a job I am doing with that) and the importance of living the life that is in front of us right now. She couldn’t stress that enough and she kept coming back to it. She said it all goes by in a flash (don’t I know it!) and it is important to just go for it and do the things that your “gut” is telling you to do. She was laughing at the gut reference. . . a reference to my own physical gut I suspect, but laughing in a loving way – no judgment, just the kind of teasing that we always did with each other.

 

I actually feel that she has been all around me since before Halloween. Halloween was always one of her more important times of the year anyhow – when the “veil” is thin and the spirits have an easier time of coming through. It was not lost on us when the Universe conspired to give us our house on Halloween day in 2002. I celebrated thirteen years in that house just a few weeks ago. And couple that with the powerful full moons that we’ve been having since September – the moon being one of her power centers – and I guess it is no wonder that she’s been around more often. Of course, she reiterated her message that she is not going anywhere. She jokingly referred to it as “haunting” me, although she did give me a choice about it. She said, “When I am with you, you can call it a loving visit or a haunting…. “, and then she laughed. But then she got serious and added that this is how much she loves me . . . she “haunts” me every day.

 

I have no doubt that she might have other ways of spending her time now that she is free of everything that held her back down here – at least in the physical sense. And so she is choosing to be around me, to guide me at times, and to send me messages letting me know that she is around. And she is doing it out of love. Both times I have had sessions with Patrick he has commented about how deep our love is, and how strong the connection is. I need no reminders on that account – I know, and she knew, that what we had was very special.

 

Two nights ago she sent to me the most beautiful and powerful message I had seen in a while. I was watching some music videos on YouTube and I had just finished watching a Brazilian music video and a new video popped up and started playing, by an artist I had never heard of before. She is French (and right now there is some sort of weird French connection thing going on in my life) and her name is Indila. I’ve never heard of her before and ordinarily I would have just stopped the video from even playing and selected something else, but something stayed my hand and I watched the video. It was actually a three-parter as the first video,  Dernière Danse, segued into two more videos by Indila:  S.O.S., and then finally, “Love Story”.  By the end of the second video, the tears were flowing as I realized that it was a message from Laureen. . . that she wasn’t done talking with me and that she wanted me to know that she sees me and hears me and also that she wanted to send me beauty too for there was such depth and beauty in each video – it really captured my attention. Links to the three videos, in the order they played, follow –

 

Indila – Derniere Danse

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5KAc5CoCuk

 

Indila – S.O.S

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m65jhGwtWrg

 

Indila – Love Story

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF3XjEhJ40Y

 

Actually, music is one of Laureen’s favorite ways of getting messages through to me. I’ve always loved music, have always listened to music and if I am in my car, or watching videos on my computer, I usually pay much closer attention to the music then if it is just on to fill silent space (and more and more often now, I am content with silence as an alternative to music). So I believe that she understands that it is a good way of getting messages through to me and of course, it always reminds me of the Transformer movies. Her favorite character was the Transformer, Bumblebee, and his primary form of communication was by manipulating songs through the radio so this is not lost on me at all and I’m sure she thinks it is funny that she does that too. That is exactly how she would think and I’m guessing she is smiling right at this very moment.

 

Her most important message to me, I feel, is that I am on the right path and that I am doing a good job of following my intuition. She actually said that I was “smart” in that regard and Patrick added that the Spirits do not often say that to us. The truth is, I had a very good teacher! That said, I do feel like I need to work on staying in tune with my intuition and even dialing it in better so that there is a stronger and clearer signal for me. I feel like there are some important life changes coming up in the not-too-distant future (my gut tells me this) and it will be important for me to be aware of my choices (and to even create some of those choices so that they are options for me) and then to discern the appropriate paths for me, at the appropriate times. Of course, I may miss a turn or two here and there, but if I stayed focused and persistent (and I am nothing if not extraordinarily persistent) then I believe that I will arrive at my destination which is simply an extension of the path that I am on.

 

And in that sense, I do look forward to the life that is unfolding in front of me, even as I still shed the occasional tear for the life that I am leaving behind. And yet, in my heart of hearts I understand that this is the way of life. As I recently said to someone, “As one door closes, another door opens . . . “  And I know I am not alone in this journey. As she reminded me, it is not only her that is around me. She has met my grandparents and she said they are often around me and they talk about me (but she did tell me not to worry – they know when to give us private time too) so this acknowledges a recent insight that I had that our ancestors are around us, watching us, and cheering us on. That notion really shouldn’t come as a surprise, but I suspect that many of us aren’t really connected to that belief – that not only are our recent dearly departed around us, but also our ancestors too, and for all of us living… our ancestors go all the way back to the beginning of time here on this planet. It’s a deep heritage to acknowledge and one that our present culture does little to remind us of, Ancestry.com notwithstanding.

 

So I give deep and sincere gratitude to the Universe for providing us with this stage upon which we act out the journey that is our lives. May I play my role with compassion for others, gratitude in my heart, and love and respect for all those whom I encounter along the way.

 

En plus profonde gratitude

(In deepest gratitude)

 

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