Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Within the sound of silence
Simon & Garfunkel
I just watched the Disturbed video on YouTube of The Sound of Silence. What an incredibly powerful video. And the imagery is dark and foreboding and that is the sense that I have of things right now. It feels like there is a shadow spreading over the land and that is the best way that I have to describe it. It’s no wonder that I am feeling so suppressed and weighed down. My dreams these past few weeks have been mostly of the disturbing sort.
Although in my dream this morning the feeling was that I was both an adult and a child at the same time and my family (that would be my real family) was moving into a new, large house. Much larger than anything we ever owned in real life. And as we were moving into the house we were also having our first meal and I was downstairs grilling a steak for my mom and I was kind of matter-of-fact about my mom being in my dream because the fact is that she doesn’t appear in my dreams very often. And while I could sense the rest of my family was around, mom was the only one I actually saw. I was feeling conflicted in that I wanted to finish grilling her steak for her but I also wanted to put at least one of my moving boxes into the bedroom that I hoped to claim as my own, before someone else did. After all, there are five of us (brothers and sisters). After a moment of indecision, I realized that I really needed to concentrate on making mom’s dinner first. And then, just before I woke up I started to realize that I was actually seeing mom in my dream and I reached out to touch her arm with my hand and she allowed the touch for a moment, and then she brushed my hand away, gently. I woke up with that as my last image / feeling . . .
In the meantime, and in my real life, I am trying to shake off this dark lethargy that has enveloped my spirit. My meditation group last night was a brief oasis of light in an otherwise gray and gloomy day. And ironically, it was bright sun and blue skies yesterday but I just cannot seem to shake the greyness that has been around me for weeks now.
When I got home last night I went upstairs to my bedroom to change and I felt the inky black darkness of the corner in which I have place Laureen’s altar – the altar that I began to assemble in those last few weeks as she was dying. I guess it would be coming up on its second birthday in a few more weeks. Memories of Laureen fill me up these days. I think it is kind of like a PTS thing. I will be walking along and all of the sudden I’m “back in the battle”, reliving moments in that last year of our lives together. If I pause to let the fullness of the memories return, they quickly become overwhelming. Dressing changes, sitting below ground in hospitals, waiting for the next “procedure”, sitting in doctor waiting rooms, wondering how our amazing life had turned into a nightmare from which there apparently was no waking. . .
This was the last image I saw last night, viewed from where I lay in my bed. The amethyst cathedral is throwing a shadow reminiscent of an old crone. Is she my guardian, my caretaker? Is she watching over me in the darkness of my solitude?
Brain cramp. . . I was starting to feel time-crunched between continuing to write, or preparing for a meeting in a half hour. My preference was to continue writing. Well, I just got an email from the person I was supposed to be meeting with and she is sick with a cold and asked to reschedule. Thanks Laureen!
I feel like I need to write, to say something, but man, I don’t know what the hell to say. My brain is all over the place. Or, more correctly, my thoughts are all over the place, both everywhere and nowhere at the same time. It seems that I am not completely alone in this current state of funk-titude. I expressed my feelings of malaise last night with my writing buddies and most of them piped right up and said that they are in a similar place. Must be something in the air. . .
I will say that in this instance, Facebook is not helping. I used to look to Facebook for positive and uplifting messages but it is increasingly becoming crass and negative and who needs that in their life? Like… really! Life is crass and negative enough as it is without having the constant barrage of visual and video stimulation to reinforce it. Not to mention the ever-present and seemingly expanding hoardes of trolls – trolls being those people who relish being contrary and downright mean-spirited and more. I find it an affront, and more, to my increasingly delicate sensibilities of truth, honor and the American Way. Well, at least once upon a time that was the American way. It is still my way but I feel like I am living in a foreign land these days because it certainly isn’t the American way anymore. No, we are filled with fear, and anger, and bigotry and hatred and that is exactly the energy that the FB trolls feed on. I have begun limiting my time on FB as a result. Not necessarily intentionally, but simply because it is becoming increasingly difficult to expose myself to such heavy doses of negativity, hatred and violence.
All this is to say that I see the energy levels rising on both sides. Well, maybe not so much the Light side (pick a name – I choose Light). I think we are all hanging low and feeling vertigo and a sense of dis-location from the increasing velocity with which things are accelerating and coming to a . . . well, I want to say conclusion but I don’t think we’re coming to a conclusion; but I do think that we are approaching a point, an intersection. . . and I think the Dark side knows it and I think they feel like they can finally tip things completely around to their way of being and heaven help us all if they do because we will surely enter another Dark Ages. I guess it is not like the human race hasn’t been there before. Why is it that religion always brings us back to that? To the worst aspects of human behavior? It is always about “there’s only one way – our way, and if you don’t follow our way, you must die”. Like, what the fuck is that? Really?
I was talking with my cousin last night and I told her that I am noticing a return of “The Broken People”, a term coined by Laureen back in the summer of 2001, preceding 9/11. I have mentioned this before. . . how I initially scoffed when Laureen started pointing out all of the broken people to me that Summer, until there were so many that I could no longer ignore it. She also said, at that time, that the skies didn’t look right either. Well, I cannot say that the skies don’t necessarily look right now. . . no, instead it feels like it has gone to a whole other level – the weather just isn’t right anymore. A tornado in Florida in mid-January? More snow in Arizona and New Mexico than in New England? The North Pole above freezing temperature about a week back. No, the weather just isn’t right anymore.
And the disconcerting aspect about the Broken People is that this time I apparently am one of them. And my aunt is, too, and so is one of my cousin’s children. I was rather surprised when I saw Ella come out of meditation class last night and she was limping. And with my Aunt, myself and my cousin’s daughter, it is all in our right knees. Like, how odd is that? Actually, that’s when “odd” no longer factors in and it becomes a sign. And what I would point out here is that we are all light workers. And my cousin’s daughter is even more – she is on par with Laureen – a young medicine child who does not understand all of her gifts yet. Now I should say here that neither Laureen nor I ever took to the concept of the Indigo children. But we did / do believe that there are definitely children with gifts, just as there ever has been. Most are suppressed. Some are insuppressible. Laureen was one of those. For as much as her family and her husband’s family tried unceasingly to suppress who she was, causing great emotional damage in the process, Laureen was just too damn stubborn and could not be denied. It was a good thing for her that I came along and believed in her. I think that in the end she was finally able to find peace with who she was and in knowing that she was loved and accepted for herself, and for her gifts.
Yes, sometimes my thoughts waylay me, or I get distracted and I need to regroup. Man, I am so easily distracted these days. I need some serious meditation time.
Anyhow. . . what I was meandering around to saying is that there is a frenetic energy in the air and its tempo is increasing. The Dark side is sensing an opportunity and is doing everything it can to fully implement its agenda. The soldiers of the Light are hanging in the shadows, waiting. It is going to get messy before it gets better. We are the clean-up crew. In the end, Light will prevail, much as it ever does. Although the shadow of Darkness can never be fully extinguished either. But at this moment in time we stand at a fulcrum, much as we have done before. World War II comes to mind. To me, the images in the “Disturbed” video speak to that time immediately following the aftermath. Silence reigns and the survivors silently wait upon the shores of our devastated world, while the musicians, artists, poets, writers and other healers make their way towards the masses upon the water. It is a fitting image.
Disturbed – The Sound of Silence